I didn’t sleep again last night. Well, that’s not exactly true. I went to sleep about 10:30 and then woke around 1, with a sense that the stress and anxiety in my body was bubbling up and over and the more I thought about it, the more it felt like I had walked to the end of a pier and stepped off, anxiety overcoming me like a sickly molasses substance, pressing down on my chest and up toward my head and it was only with the greatest of efforts that I kept my nose, and my life, above this rising, boiling mass.
I knew I had a long day of work ahead and sleep was imperative but that only served to strengthen the demons haunting me, preventing me from doing anything approaching rest. Instead, I tried counting deep breaths, wondering why I had still not tackled meditation as a practice, the promise of peace-of-mind, sought after at every turn, had not been enough to make me take the time to sit, legs crossed, and attempt to clear my ADHD riddled mind.
I am worried about money. More exactly, how I can make more of it and spend less. And why, when I was making more, I wasted so much of it on silly things, like having our air conditioner filter delivered at three times the cost of going to fetch one at a local store. I make excuses for this kind of behavior, like I was working so many hours and trying to run a house and family that having such things brought to me by the UPS or Fed Ex guys just made sense but looking back, I’d love to have that $15 back, plus all the other money I wasted on meal services and organic grass-fed meat deliveries and DirectTV.
My working life has always been feast or famine, with money either flowing in or staunchly dammed. But for all the worry of those drought months and years, and the empty promises I make, when the money deluge hits again, I spend with abandon, no historical memory of lean times.
And this knowledge only adds to my stress. How can I be so stupid at my age? At what point will I learn these lessons? Am I destined to continue to repeat this again and again?
I’m in a hustling mode right now, trying to figure out how to cover the bills that are over-sized compared with my meager paycheck. Maybe this is the time that will do it for me—I’ll stop making excuses and when I figure out this money crisis, I’ll start socking away for the next period when I’m money-hungry and the anxiety it induces will be less because I’ll be able to draw on that rainy day fund, going to bed secure instead of scared witless. But based on my past actions, I don’t think I’m that smart.